How to Orchestrate Existence

Content Warnings: swearing, references to self-harm/suicide.

Reconciling personalities into one may not be possible

More useful may be to ask them to get along

The sober, rational one can be the group leader

They can look upon the one hiding in a closet with a knife

Snarling at shadows passing by

And give advice helpful to loved ones over the years

The nervous one cleaning the house at lightning speed

The relaxed one joking with colleagues

They can occupy the body

The desperate one trying to maintain breathing can write write write

Work to avoid stupid plans

This does not have to be confusion

It can be a symphony

It is not so singular either

We are ALL many things

Some people just have much more distinction

It is not to panic that the driver cannot distinguish the road

How many accidents have been survived?

Nobody can avoid them

Look around team and realize you are not alone

Your body will be put back together

All progress is tinged with pain

Listen to the leader

FOCUS

Maintain focus with the maps you are given

Trusted people provided them

Ignore the swirling experience of consciousness

BALANCE

Do the exercises

Master the body

Put yourself to sleep if blackout is approaching like a tsunami

Time out from reality doesn’t have to be forever

A friend gave me the mantra:

“Keep it between the beacons”

Watch the deep end when there’s no lifeguard

Realize those around you are experiencing you too

Don’t leave them behind

Because that’s not how to avoid hurting them

If you have to hide, HIDE

Just climb back out of that hole someday

Rally the team

Bring communications back online

Turn the breakers back on

(But make sure the fire extinguisher is at the ready)

I have been swearing I prefer to stay awake

I prefer not to let life slip by in a fog

I prefer to be real

No matter the consequences

It’s debatably advantageous

But to slide into a haze to please normalcy

To avoid throwing grenades haphazardly

Out of insecurity and terror of palpable but unseen threats

That is in the end a death worse than death

It is killing yourself more surely than with guns

My brains are indeed splattered on the sidewalk

It surely IS ugly as fuck

Horrifying to look at

Passersby RUN at the sight of me

But at least now, with extreme effort

I am able to pick them up and put them back together

I am in that my architect

Architect of the future

There is no comfort available for that shell shock

The key is not to expect comfort

To learn to let even the breeze agitate every raw nerve

(Which is EVERY nerve, especially those long forsaken)

And not look for arms to run into

Learn to command the motion of your own arms to hold yourself

Even if every muscle motion requires full concentration to achieve

Learn not to recoil at being truly alone

Learn to know that alone is not what you thought

It can be simultaneous with being surrounded by love

And that that is all you can expect of life in supporting you

Denying that understanding will drive you into the grave

So the “right thing” is to choose to feel that unbearable discomfort

To embrace it

THAT is how to honor those you love

Do not expect of them what nobody can give

Love them for the unmeasurable amounts they do give

And FOR THEM love yourself

That is what’s missing

Connect every self you have

Create harmony, do not expect a fusion into some perfect self

Invite acceptance

Do not declare war on those that cause you pain

Accept them ALL

Accept that damn pain too

I want a real life

I just need to survive myself

Being fatigued is part of the grunt work

So sleep

As often as needed

Just get back up

Just get back up